Student: I just wanted to ask you for a while to speak about the gaining of weight with coming in, there’s still a discomfort in my own skin. Been meeting, for a long time, a lot of hatred in my body and it’s been very beautiful to love that all the way through, and then I started putting on weight, and then I was like “oh, this is not very nice”.
Aisha: There’s a lot to dissolve there, my gosh, yes. In a way I can say that we have a very, very twisted view. I’ve also been going through many of those, and it’s like when I was cultivating space, my body was like a stick, like completely to the bone, and the deeper I embraced life the more round my body get, and it’s kind of like falling in love with Her. And that falling in love with Her, it makes up for such a giggle in a way. It’s like the sweetness and the innocence of that while all of that identity that went along with having a particular shape, it had to come up against the reality that actually it’s like my body is taking the shape of my Being, and then falling in love with the roundness of yourself, such a beauty in that.
But we’re constantly up against that part of our own body image which is dependent on some kind of response that we get as someone from the outside or something. And there is a deep pain in that. And in a way I can say that I’ve found that that transcending that kind of view is directly connected with coming into your genitals as woman. Roundness does come with the depths, it’s also been my experience.
I got this black stone at one point, which was carved as Her, and she’s shaped like this (gestures round curves), yes? And it’s like that’s the Goddess – big boobs, big butt. Seriously. And what I experience is that every time there’s a deeper drop into the ground I get the same kind of aching in my chest, in my breasts as when I was a teenager, when they were growing, and then they grow again. And then it’s just like (gestures breasts growing). And somehow my partner doesn’t seem to mind so much.
But there is really that which is ignited, because this is very much to do with your reflection in regards to your men also. And there is that part which has been moving with the distortion of the view on yourself as a sexual being, you understand? And then there is the whole correspondence which has been happening from that twist of the sexuality, which then comes around the wanting to be wanted rather than to be loved. We’re touching into some really deep places here. So that which wants to be wanted, that is that which is happening as that twist on top of the sexuality, where we’re not talking Pure Passion, but where there’s a part of our psyche, of our feminine psyche, which automatically responds according to the collective’s view. And inside of that, responds to ‘sexy’ rather than ‘innocent’, right?
So to touch this, you come in through and through and through these layers of pain in the belly. And just to make it simple, in my experience, there has been that faze where I could feel that in my body was gaining weight from a place of creating protection from the reality of the complete flashing of the sensitivity that comes with coming into the ground, so there is that part. But then there’s also the other side of that where the sensitivity no longer needs… it’s like the body is not trying to protect that level of sensitivity any more when you start taking responsibility for yourself, for your living life, and for actually allowing those actions which creates that protection, do you understand? That is equal to dealing with every moment, every situation, with the integrity. Because if you are not living the integrity, and at the same time you are stripping yourself naked, then your body will try to compensate, can you see the logic in that? It’s like your body, it will try to put on insulation to try and protect itself, because this is not your heart, this is your heart.
So to the extent that you’re willing to live the integrity and the straightness of the masculine in a way, then you become your own protector, you become your own holder, and then your body doesn’t need to gain weight any more.
The form, still, we’re talking about the Goddess, so it’s a part of it, roundness. But as you can hear, it’s many different aspects, there are different subtleties within it. And either way, what it comes down to is that you’re willing to love yourself exactly as you are. Because if you aren’t, you will create these subtle tensions in your body trying to make your shape different. I spent a long time – I could shape my body any way I wanted to, or, I could love it exactly as it is. And we can all do that, we can all do that.
Student: Thank you, I knew I needed to ask it.