Student: I had this dream of my father who had to die and he was lying in his bed and I was sitting next to him, and it was really the most beautiful and intimate meeting we ever had. I was holding his hand and there was this huge compassion and love and tenderness who came from down there. And it was sexual, really sexual energy but it was so pure and innocent, without any wanting, and I really could see that it is my core essence, I could see it and it was like he had to die and I want to show him myself, that he can see me. And I felt this huge love for him, and I could also feel that he felt this energy in his body, in his dying process. But when this energy was touching the heart, he jumped up out of bed, he was so alive and so much aggression and hatred and he wanted to kill me. And I transformed in this little, little girl, and I tried to hide behind my mother, but she disappeared. Right after this dream, my father’s heart is completely out of balance. He had five heart surgeries, and there’s this fear that he has to die and underneath there is this fear that I, and my identity has to die, because it is linked to the first imprint of the masculine. And I can see that this dream is not about my father, it is about my own structures and dynamics. I’m sitting with this question “who am I without my father and who am I without this identity?”
Aisha: You got the answer already
Student: Yeah. I’m so afraid of Her. And I know that it’s my power, it’s not my power
Student: But I feel so guilty because when She’s here, She destroys everything. But not in a violent way, in a very – most beautiful way I ever have seen.
Aisha: So then I can only ask you, “What of what She destroys is worth keeping?” You see we’re down to your priorities here, and that you actually prioritise the illusion over reality, as if it’s precious, even if you have met and know the real beauty lying underneath all of that. So the invitation is of course for you to give up that loyalty to that which isn’t real.
Student: Yeah, there is huge fear.
Aisha: Yeah, true. But that’s okay you know? It’s okay. You can be afraid and meet Her.
In a way I can say that, when I was to meet Her, again, it was like the greatest terror ever, that I ever experienced. But meeting Her again and again and again and again, gradually moved the relationship with myself as Her, as that essence of Her. It moved it from the terror, to less afraid and less afraid, and seeing how actually Her occurrence was a deeper and deeper grace appearing in my life and in everything I touched. Exactly as you said – destroying everything, but as the result of that, seeing how everything around me grows, how everything around me becomes more real, whether it’s with you guys, or my family, or the partnership, or whatever part of life that I touch, that it becomes the most real and raw expression of reality. And to allow that to happen through that gradual process of being willing to be afraid and yet letting the meeting happen, so that the terror becomes acceptance, becomes “deeply in love with”. You know so it’s just like a (whistles and rotates arm left), changing loyalties.
Right now, your loyalty is on that side where you know the beauty of Her, but you’re still so afraid of Her because all of the loyalty which you actually have to the illusion, you know that needs to die to shift to the other side. And it’s not another side like this or that, but it’s more like actually falling so deeply in love with Her, that She completes the circle, the cycle, and brings love into our living, our life, and thereby into all of the places where before it was based on illusion, but all of a sudden, things start making sense, they become based on something else, they become based on Her, and on real integrity and on real love and all of these things. So that’s where everything comes together, but we need to go through that, we need to fall in love with Her.
Student: I do, more and more. Still baby steps, but I really love to take care of my human and of my nervous system. I take care of Her.
Aisha: That’s beautiful. And inside of that also to remember that it’s not about a separation between Her as your body and everything else, but that the real commitment is to everything, so that you are equally caretaking to everything you touch as you are to yourself. That is the full commitment.
Student: I’m committed, more, yeah.
Aisha: Yeah, keep it up.
Student: Thank you.
Aisha: Thank you.