I’m going to meet my family after the retreat, my parents. I notice that I’m very afraid, because it’s difficult to show myself so vulnerable to them. It’s really hard because I don’t really trust them completely.
You know the beauty of that is you don’t have trust them. You have to trust you. That’s the key in that thing. That and the fact of – as you said, being willing to meet all these paternal twists and turns inside of you. And knowing that whenever it is hard for you to be with them, it’s because they still have a hook in you somewhere, there is still something which is unresolved. That’s not a matter of pushing them away, it’s a matter of letting it resolve deeply inside you, and letting these wirings unweave from the fabric of your consciousness. That requires all kinds of different seeing, feeling and a total willingness to look at whatever is going on in each now, with straightness and willingness to Truth.
It took some ancestral work on my part to be able to come to now be with my family, with my parents without any fuss. But there has been fuss for many years, and trying out every different angle in terms of how does this come into peace?
I even went in the direction of Pure Awareness, this is the only thing that’s going to work here (laughing), but then being present as That – as Him, well, I could just feel, (shaking head) no, it needed me to come all the way down into my own wiring, for there to be peace there. There could be love before, but there was never peace. The love was me stepping into the equation as this (opens eyes wide, shakes and makes the sound of a rocket). And then they could stand to be with me very shortly, you know? (Laughing) I don’t know if you know the feeling, especially when we talk about parents.
But yes, coming into the human and acknowledging the resolution of these relationships, which isn’t about finishing anything off, it’s more about allowing them to come into that total honesty, where all the child-parent games, they end. Not through hardness, but though you coming into a greater and greater self-love, so as to agree to hold yourself in the honesty of your vulnerability, and of who and what you are as this dedication to Truth, despite whatever they want to call you to be and want you to be, because that’s what they made somewhere in the past.
In my experience – it’s probably different – but my parents, I’ve always been a challenge to them. It’s taken some years of them having to get used to the fact that we are nothing alike, that they can accept that my life is lived through total surrender to life itself, to God. They’re completely opposite, of the safety and the control.
The beauty of it all has been though, that when I started out letting go, no one was saying anything, but it was very obvious they got that (impersonates parents) “Oh, she’s fucking crazy”. But somehow, it all panned out pretty well, and as it is now, they’re standing with their safety in one hand, and they’re looking at me and they can no longer say that what she did there, didn’t really work out, did it?
So somehow, everything is on a scale like this. I have no interest, and that’s basically what needed to go away, I have no interest in pushing or pulling them with me, or away from me. That makes the whole difference, I can let them live their lives in safety and whatever they feel is right for them, and that’s a key with the family thing. Just as we don’t want to be manipulated by their expectations and limitations basically, we want to get out of those limitations, we don’t want to have them reinforced. And just as we can say no to that, they also have their own way. That doesn’t mean we cannot love each other.
Thank you, I needed to hear that.
Enjoy the work.