Student: I wanted to talk about enjoyment, or actually the lack of enjoyment in my life. Even my embrace of Truth is a little bit dry, almost like there’s a task to do, and I’ve noticed how little enjoyment I experience.
Aisha: So a few things I want to bring into light here, that embracing Truth without letting it deeply touch us in our human lives can only create dryness, so that’s one thing. Another thing is that I see that you are incredibly invested in being this sad girl, and I say girl even. So the thing is that actually you are so used to sticking to that part of you, sticking to the sadness, as if it’s a part of who you are.
And I had a conversation with someone earlier, and she said she didn’t believe it – there was joy but she was kind of flabbergasted because she didn’t really know what to do with it, because it was the first time that she ever met real joy.
And this is true, we are so used to living our personal lives apart from the joy of simply being, that once joy actually shows up we have no fucking clue what to do with it. And then, in many cases, it just seems easier to trip our own legs again because then at least we don’t have to deal with the fact that actually joy is here – like there’s nothing wrong, there’s no problem, shit, then what?
So that’s another part, but there is one more. And that is of course when I say the part of embracing Truth letting it touch your life, but it’s not just your life, I’m very much talking about taking care of yourself as body, falling in love with yourself as body, because that is what brings the life to your body, which then can allow its own radiation as joy, as Love. So falling in love with yourself as woman, there is a relationship between you and yourself as woman which is very much hung up on this old view, so to speak.
Student: Yeah I’ve noticed that when joy comes, where there’s a moment of release, that I quickly think “Gosh, there’s something round the corner”, that it’s like I can’t let go fully because I know that after this there’s going to be another wave.
Aisha: Life is always going to be like that, love. But the thing is that emotionally speaking I just feel that you have a lot of growing to do, in terms of allowing yourself to be vulnerable. And when I say vulnerable I don’t just mean… or I actually mean vulnerable in the sense of being willing to be touched. Because this pain in your heart it’s like a contraction, it’s like a “Don’t touch me”. And of course that’s a rejection of your own life. It’s a protection from pain, a rejection of the pain, but because you reject the pain you also reject the joy. Because as I said yesterday when you allow the enjoyment the pain will appear.
So there is really something within your understanding of what it means in terms of joy that just that you know that “When I deepen in joy, when I allow myself to enjoy, that’s when the pain pops up of course”. Because the joy is deeply connected with the body, and the body is that which has been exposed to whatever trauma, or whatever has been there. So when we allow the joy, we allow the life through the body and of course, that comes in and sends Love in over these fields where there is wounds. There is pain there. But that’s far from a reason not to do it. As in you as a woman, you need and you completely deserve a full bloody healing, to come into your wholeness as a woman.
Student: Thank you.
Aisha: A little something to undertake and a little twist of your understanding there in terms of reminding yourself that “Unless I actually agree to enjoy I won’t able to truly touch the pain”, and then completely dissect that attempt to protect yourself from pain. Then the way should be (draws a line of waves across the air) sailing smoothly.
And also the feeling of overwhelm, I can see that it switches off your – it’s almost like a switch flicks off you now and then, because you don’t really know how to actually acknowledge the feeling of overwhelm in your nervous system. So because you don’t realise “Now I’m overwhelmed”, it just becomes (gestures switching off) dead screen.
But it’s like that with every feeling that we can’t actually allow ourselves to feel. And we’ve done it like that, we’ve closed down half of the piano of our human feelings, because when we were touching these particular feelings, somehow it was like we couldn’t survive if we felt like this, like this, like this and like this. And we were all brought up in these different environments which has created different close downs, but actually much similar everywhere for all of us. We just need to reopen that so we can play the full piano.