Abuse and Responsibility

Student: I have a question regarding the homework you gave us and the action plan. I was looking into a topic that is very present in a lot of situations in my life which is a feeling of guilt and abuse, and in the retreat I thought I was very clear that my father abused his sister, which he had a lot of guilt, which is somehow in me, and the son of the sister abused me for about a year. So I cannot really connect so much to these emotions, but I see how it plays out in my life, it’s like I use or abuse people around me to make my life easier.


The day before yesterday I saw for the first time that it’s about avoiding responsibility and somehow I seem to blame my father for him not taking responsibility. And now I would like to know is it more about firstly feeling all these things, because it’s so many different feelings – the guilt, the shame and the lack of responsibility comes in a kind of feeling of helplessness or indecisiveness, so it’s so many things. So is the action plan more about facing these feelings and feeling them, or also to take certain actions like, for example, confronting my father, confronting my cousin?


Aisha: You know where to go my friend. But I want to say that the first and foremost important thing in what you’re doing here, with this, is to acknowledge that no matter what happened, there is no one to blame to not take responsibility yourself. So no matter what it looks like in terms of what needs to be straightened out in all of this, your responsibility is yours and to be taken right here and right now, in every moment. There’s never anyone to run in stories around, to excuse your own non-taking responsibility.  With that in place, actions can be taken. If you come from a blaming perspective – not going to do any good. What you can invite is the resolution through everything, but that starts with yourself.


Student: I feel maybe it’s also more subconsciously what you say, but I feel more like I take the responsibility of others also in me, because of maybe being afraid of what it will cause in the family.


Aisha: I’m sure you do both. The thing is though, when you say ‘take responsibility’, you’re talking on a very specific level, but that specific level, is actually equal to not taking responsibility. Do you see that?


Student: You mean for all other areas?


Aisha: Yeah, I mean you need to take responsibility for you.


Student: For my life?


Aisha: Yes. And with that in place, the integrity of all else, the healing of all else, the keeping things in their own place, the basic acknowledgement and, in a way, demand, that other people take their responsibility, then that is possible. But if you stay in that place, where you take responsibility from everyone else, it’s the same as not taking responsibility for yourself. That’s equal to not taking responsibility. There’s a lot to straight out there.


And this goes for every family, even if this is your situation, it really goes for everyone, because everyone is used to growing up in a pack of wolves, where everyone was peeing up each other’s legs, basically. So we all need to straighten this out. And I can say that it’s a piece of work in progress, it’s something, because one thing is that you can straighten things out for yourself, and you need to start there, friend, you need to start there. But when you are taking responsibility for yourself, then you can walk with that integrity into the family, and then you can start watching all of these dots fall into place.


And whatever you feel as a part of yourself, you need to confront something to get things into proper place. Then of course you do what you need to do, but you’re going to have to feel your heart to know what you need to do, and not listen to the anger. In this way there can be like a ‘this is yours, I’m here and then we can meet from a new place’. But it sounds like a hell of an ancestral karmic package you’ve got going there.


Student: Yeah when I felt this for the first time and saw this cycle, it was very intense.


Aisha: Yeah, it is intense, but we’ve all got crazy families, you know, in their own ways. Every family has had their misdoings along the way and it’s created one twist or another. I don’t even know what a family is without that, you know, I have never met one. But what I do see is that now is the time to take responsibility. So even if our parents didn’t, the fact that we do now, not only does this stop, that role with us, but it actually also reflects itself up, upwards, upstream, along the ancestral lines. And it is, and becomes an inspiration to the people around us, even if they may have their own time, in terms of they grow in one, they take longer time with things and all of this. You don’t need to wait for anything, you can still square it on your own, and when you are square with everything, then everything just gets to grow in its own temple from there.


Student: Was that also something you meant when you said ‘commitment’, when I asked you another question a few days ago?


Aisha: Of course, of course. The commitment is the commitment to everything. It’s the commitment to life, and the moment you are committed to life, when touching your family, then the straightness of everything needs to go in there. Not only needs to, it does, if that commitment is there, and it may create some uproars and confrontations and things like this, but when has it ever been a good idea to just… I mean, there has been enough sweeping under the rug, right?


Student: The last time when I found out about this I wanted to clear up things, but it was not so clear that it was in general, that I didn’t take responsibility for many things so, it actually feels good to see it.


Aisha: This is part of the beauty of walking in Truth, you get more and more conscious, you get better and better eyes, and the more you see, the more responsibility you can take. If things are blurry and you’re not really sure what’s going on, it’s kind of hard to allow the real action, but then the longer you walk in that dedication of clearing the areas where you actually do see, you know what, it can start in the small, simply choosing the actions out of your life that makes no sense, simply choosing that which makes sense for your unfolding, for your life and Truth, and to let that lead your way, and let that be where your energy is invested. Just to narrow things in to actually widen out, you know?  Yeah, but enjoy.

© 2019 Aisha Salem

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